A few short years ago, I would have laughed at any suggestion of my being a hermit. Or a hermitta, the female counterpart. And yet, here I find myself... doing my job and coming home. Once home I prefer to stay here.
In many ways, this new life is suitable. I'm content. I am BLESSED!!! I have a wonderful husband (whom I adore), my kids (one married, two away at school and one still here at home), my parents (who are living in a BIG bus on our acre... I love them to bits!), my three beloved sisters ... And I have my clients (love my job!) and the folks that I see in the course of doing my job. I'm well "peopled". Not even remotely reclusive. But...
Yeah. There's the word. But. But sometimes I am powerful lonely for friends and friendships. I miss the chatter, the laughter, the joy of sharing the fun stuff of life, the meeting of the minds. And here I am, stuck in a hermitta mode. I don't have it in me to do much more than just this. I'm frozen inside, by fear and sadness that doesn't seem to leave or heal. I hate it and yet don't know what to do to melt it down. I'm afraid. I've screwed it up over and over...I'm afraid.
I'm awake in the middle of the night. After tossing and turning, I decided to give it up and get back up. Feeling sad and mad. The sad is at the changes, the mad is mostly at myself for whatever it was/is that I did/do that caused/causes my hermitta mode. I've sat here thinking of the friendships that I've enjoyed and wondering what happened.
And I write. While this may not be "safe", I guess I can risk it here.
Tomorrow is another day. Back to bed.
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a dollop about me
- Arline
- Wife ~ Mom ~ Sister ~ Daughter ~ Friend ~ Care-Provider ... Daughter of the King of the Universe ~ Princess
Every Day Matters
focal points
- Constant Contact w/ HP
- Best Care of Me
- Irresistible Spouse
- Connect w/ Kids
- Home Improvement
3 comments:
i can relate to this in a sense - whenever i get to a mad/sad/afraid place about something-the only thing i have found that really works is to say a prayer (or many) and then reach out and take steps - if it is with another person it could be sending a card/text/email/fb message or calling, making a date, giving a gift -whatever to just get the "love" flowing again - it doesn't cure it immediately, but it starts tipping the scales :0) i'm pretty introverted in a lot of ways and do way too much thinking. remember that there is always someone who doesn't want us to be happy. this morning i was reading joyce meyer and she talked about "casting our cares" but also taking responsibility (or steps :)) my developing motto: say a prayer, take a step.
this last fall i just needed a little something different in my life - i joined a book club and a yoga class. - the book club was once a month and the yoga was once a week. i really loved it. i met new people and fed my soul. good luck and i'll be praying.
Yes, well, I understand this.
I am so tired right now--between work and a kid now in high school, I go home and crash.
But I do miss seeing you at knitting. Not that I've been in months, but I do miss you.
oh gosh, I read this with empathy and sadness. You need to start with baby steps my love, baby steps. I have suffered depression, anxiety attacks, and have come back. Many tried to help and offered advice, but in the end I had to make the decision to move forward, a counsellor, a little therapy, and baby steps, making dates to go out for an hour or two. Slowly, slowly, things go better. Don't give up. Kate.
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