Hermitta

A few short years ago, I would have laughed at any suggestion of my being a hermit. Or a hermitta, the female counterpart. And yet, here I find myself... doing my job and coming home. Once home I prefer to stay here.

In many ways, this new life is suitable. I'm content. I am BLESSED!!! I have a wonderful husband (whom I adore), my kids (one married, two away at school and one still here at home), my parents (who are living in a BIG bus on our acre... I love them to bits!), my three beloved sisters ... And I have my clients (love my job!) and the folks that I see in the course of doing my job. I'm well "peopled". Not even remotely reclusive. But...

Yeah. There's the word. But. But sometimes I am powerful lonely for friends and friendships. I miss the chatter, the laughter, the joy of sharing the fun stuff of life, the meeting of the minds. And here I am, stuck in a hermitta mode. I don't have it in me to do much more than just this. I'm frozen inside, by fear and sadness that doesn't seem to leave or heal. I hate it and yet don't know what to do to melt it down. I'm afraid. I've screwed it up over and over...I'm afraid.

I'm awake in the middle of the night. After tossing and turning, I decided to give it up and get back up. Feeling sad and mad. The sad is at the changes, the mad is mostly at myself for whatever it was/is that I did/do that caused/causes my hermitta mode. I've sat here thinking of the friendships that I've enjoyed and wondering what happened.

And I write. While this may not be "safe", I guess I can risk it here.

Tomorrow is another day. Back to bed.